Dieting the Manly Way

May 19th, 2008

The USDA recommends we consume around 2,000 calories a day. Allowing for slight variations in height/weight and activity level I’m guessing I should be consuming around 2,800 calories a day to maintain the 220 lbs of twisted steel and sex appeal™ I’m currently carrying around. But all this counting calories/carbs/fat/sugar is hard! Especially since I’m fully living the bachelor lifestyle and any expectations of regular fruit or non-fried vegetable consumption are officially nil.

Last week I was at my local Schnucks doing my least favorite chore - grocery shopping - in the only manner I can tolerate: breezing through the aisles not really paying attention to things like the items I’m grabbing or their cost all the while grumbling under my breath at the old people who get in my way. This is a tried and true system. I usually end up with enough food to eat 2 full meals a week, possibly a lunch, and strong enough coffee to raise the dead.

But something happened last week. After performing my usual shopping sprint/geriatric dodgeball session I rolled up to the register and started unloading my haul. I looked down into my cart and realized the sum total of what I’m going to be subsisting on this week: 6 rolls of toilet paper, a gallon of milk, and 6 cans of soup. That’s it! Somehow I’d managed to sleep-shop my way to a week of tomato soup and beef stew. Awesome!

This got me thinking. What if instead of counting calories I counted cans? Imagine that - Well today I had a can of Dinty Moore Beef Stew, Green Giant Corn, and 6 Bud Lights. Well that’s less that 10 cans I guess I’m good. Choosing a balanced diet would be so much easier! Not to mention the grocery store adventures could be cut to < 8 minutes. I can't even imagine where this would put my daily sodium intake level.

My new food pyramid: