Ranking the Beers of A-B

July 24th, 2008

To honor the demise of Beer City, USA I’ve decided to rank the flavors of Anheuser-Busch beers. At least the flavors I’ve tried. The list is quite extensive and most of these I’ll assume are disgusting (Chelada — fucking sick!).

1. Bud Light Ah the old standby. Not too bad, fairly inexpensive, and much more flavorful than Miller Lite. Bud Light is a solid BBQ beer and the go to beer for any sporting event.

2. Shock Top One of the newer (if not the newest) beer in the A-B arsenal. I’ve long had a crush on wheat beers and this one is simply delicious. Perhaps even better than Blue Moon. This is a good beer if you’re out at a semi-classy bar and don’t want to look like an uncultured goof by ordering a Bud.

3. Bud Select Not bad tasting and a good beer if you’re watching your girlish figure as it only has 99 calories yet it doesn’t taste like the piss water that is Michelob Ultra (which won’t appear in these rankings).

4. Budweiser “The Great American Lager” is an ironic title now that the brewery is owned by a Belgian company. If you smoke Marlboro Reds, work in construction, or like to drink on the porch then this is the beer for you.

5. Bud Light Lime A little effeminate but this one goes good with Margaritas and Mexican Food. You can’t drink more than 2 though. Trust me I’ve tried. You’ll get nauseaus.

6. Rolling Rock Not a real fan. The website says it pairs thusly: “Serve Rolling Rock in a tall thin tumbler and pair it with citrus grilled chicken, ceviche with lime, pork tenderloin with mango chutney and pepper jack cheese.” I don’t even know what 40% of those things are. Skip it.

7. Natural Ice Now we’re getting to the good stuff. A little known secret to college kids as they usually default to Natty Light. Don’t get me wrong they both taste like shit but Ice has 5.9% alcohol content to Light’s 4.2%. Translation: Natural Ice will get you drunker, faster, and cheaper.

8. Busch/Busch Light/Busch Ice(?) The Busch line. The only reason to drink this is if you beat your wife. The white trash neighborhood of the 7-11 Cooler.

9. Tequiza Sick, sick, sick. Corona this is not.

10. Bud Extra Do they even make this anymore? It’s like an energy drink with beer in it. Or something. Avoid at all costs.

11. King Cobra Perfect malt beverage for drinking from a paper bag on the street or poring one out for your fallen homies.

I avoided the imports and focused on the American beers but the good ones include Bass and Kirin Ichiban. Stella Artois isn’t bad either but it comes from the InBev bastardization. Avoid Boddington’s, Beck’s, and Grolsch. Hoegaarden is so-so but fairly sweet.

I’m planning a farewell to A-B party where we can celebrate the beers of this once proud American company. Stay tuned.