NickDozier.com

A White (person) Wedding

February 10th, 2009

I’m getting to an age when many of my friends and family are getting married. In a given year I can expect to go to (or at least be invited to) 5-10 weddings in various locations around the country. This summer I’m going to LA for my friends Laef and Allison’s wedding and last weekend I was in Nashville for my cousin Chris’s wedding.

With all this Wedding Crashing I’ve noticed quite a trend. Everyone seems to play the same songs, have the same food, and have the same ceremony. Honestly I feel like I’ve been to the same wedding 40 times. While I usually have fun at these things mark me down for supporting originality.

Here are some observations and tips for those of you planning a wedding in the future.

Lou Bega was born solely for the purpose of writing one song to be played at every white person’s wedding. Unfortunately it is the worst song ever written.
Songs like the Chicken Dance, Electric Slide, American Pie, and others have to be eliminated from the wedding reception playlist. Be an individual. Don’t worry about making everyone else happy. You like rap? Play some rap songs. Like Nickelback? Well, you’re dumb but if it makes you happy play that too.
Catholic weddings are the longest, Luthern is in the middle, and secular is the fastest. You really speed things up when you cut out all the God stuff.
Bachelor parties have evolved from one night of debauchery to an entire 3 days of partying. I’ve been to or am scheduled to go to the following locations for bachelor parties: Lake of the Ozarks, Memphis, Chicago, Las Vegas, and Lake Tahoe. This is not necessarily a bad thing but it does leave a lot of room for getting in trouble and maintaining an extended hangover.
An open bar should be mandatory. And not just beer and wine. I’m talking top shelf hard booze. Honestly it’s the reason everyone is attending this reception anyway.
Speaking of drinking plan on getting belligerent. Wait until after 10pm to get super belligerent so as not to scare the children and elderly. But hey the alcohol is free right? Enjoy it!
Regardless of religion most church ceremonies seem to be nearly identical. This is fine if you’re into tradition but don’t expect me to pay attention. Do something different. Have your wedding on a beach, on a boat, underwater, drop a disco ball in there. Just something different!
If you’re in St. Louis please don’t serve mostaccioli for dinner. I’ve literally had this dish at EVERY St. Louis wedding I’ve ever been too. Fish and chicken are fine but skip the rehashed pasta dish.
Consider having your reception in a hotel or somewhere that’s easy to catch a cab home. You’re serving unlimited alcohol to your drunk Uncle Teddy you don’t want him to end up dead!
If I’m going to be forced to dance allow me to get a few cocktails in first. Play some low key music during dinner and then give a little time for drinks. If I’m going to bust it to Mike Jones I’m going to need a little lubrication.
DO NOT hire the “wild and wacky DJ guy”. Nothing is more annoying than having a DJ screaming at me to get on the dance floor while I’ve got a mouth full of shrimp puffs.
In fact do you know who the best DJ would be? You! Just create a playlist on your iPod and have one of your friends run it. That way you’ll have 100% control over the music and it won’t cost you an arm and a leg.
Have at least one single person in the bridal party. This way it’s much more likely she’ll hook up with some random family member and you can gossip about it for years to come!

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17 Comments Add your own

1. Allison | February 10th, 2009 at 3:13 pm

1. Wow. What a spiffy web site! Who done it?
2. UM. Talk to be about an open bar when you are getting married. Not only is it super expensive, but most people (YOU, ME) don’t need FREE vodka floating around.
3. We are going the iPod route so that I can make sure there is plenty of Tupac, Biggy and Luda.
4. We have single people in our bridal party. But, what do you care?
2. Nick | February 10th, 2009 at 3:32 pm

Hmm yeah if the bar is open there is a 97% chance I’ll do something ridiculous which will embarrass me and the people I’m with. Probably not a good idea when you’re actually in the wedding party.
3. Layla | February 10th, 2009 at 7:30 pm

Yeah–as far as weddings/receptions go, you white people are pretty predictable…ah…wait…would that make me half- predictable? (I do want that self-serve nacho fountain!).
4. Kristen | February 10th, 2009 at 11:20 pm

Okay, yes, the chicken dance and electric slide DO get annoying, however, did you notice that nobody got on the dance floor until those songs? That’s what receptions are for right? You get crunk nasty and then you shake your groove thing!
5. Nick | February 11th, 2009 at 9:12 am

@Layla – A nacho cheese fountain would be a nice touch

@Kristen – Yes white people love songs with predetermined dance moves. Still those songs suck.
6. Chris W. | February 11th, 2009 at 10:50 am

Nick, if you ever get married (which you won’t), your wedding will be just as white as every other white person. How about a Bolt Thrower tribute band?
7. Nick | February 11th, 2009 at 10:57 am

@Chris W – I’m sure I’ll get married at some point but believe me it won’t be a traditional wedding. I have no need to satisfy my parents b/c at this point they’re all too familiar with my disappointments.

ps The only tribute band I would have play is Cemetery Gatez!
8. Layla | February 11th, 2009 at 11:16 am

Gaaaaaaaaaaaatez!!!!!
9. Kristen | February 11th, 2009 at 1:41 pm

I think I would hire Metal Studz. But that’s just me.
10. Nick | February 11th, 2009 at 1:43 pm

@Kristen – they’re probably too pricey. I think hiring Jypsi is the best option. As long as they supply their own drugs it should be fairly cheap!
11. Kristen | February 11th, 2009 at 1:53 pm

Yeah! And then I could get the “Puffy Muffin” to cater! Thanks for writing this blog. Now I know how to throw a classy reception.
12. Julia | February 13th, 2009 at 1:45 pm

Ditto on all of the above….and one addition: it you do choose to serve the infamous rehashed pasta dish, for the love of God, do not call it “mosKaccioli “.
13. Laef | February 15th, 2009 at 2:40 pm

FYI, there is a 3-fold reason for the pasta dish at the wedding:

1. It’s cheap, in the neighborhood of 1/2 the price of a chicken or steak dinner. Don’t even get me started on seafood.
2. Quick, name one wedding meal that you’ve eaten that was excellent. You can’t. Even high-priced meals at weddings aren’t great. There is apparently a very high level of skill required to cater a dish for 50-300 people. Getting the meat cooked correctly for a hundred people apparently is the equivalent of rocket science. It’s hard to fuck up pasta, no matter how much you make. I can cook pasta. it’s bland, but OK.
3. If the aforementioned meat product is not cooked correctly, people will not eat it and thus will have nothing in their stomachs for your open bar, and will all pass out by 10. Pasta is a great base and you can be sure everyone is eating it and be ready to party until the wee hours.

So yes, the wedding pasta dish has been played out, but there are good reasons why it’s a logical choice.
14. Nick | February 18th, 2009 at 1:02 pm

@Julia – I’m sorry that’s just how we pronounce it in St. Louis. just like crayons are “crans”.

@Laef – I’m still down with with Allison’s plan to have an In ‘n Out truck parked at the reception.
15. Scott | February 18th, 2009 at 1:51 pm

Something to consider:

Do a shot instead of a champaign toast. Make shot glasses for all to take. Now that will get Mike Jones early attention.

Note: If you decide to have red-headed sluts as your shot try not to marry one also.
16. Nick | February 18th, 2009 at 2:36 pm

@Scott – I detect a twinge of bitterness in your comment.
17. Ol'Dangerous | February 18th, 2009 at 3:41 pm

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!

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